So I've been laid up with strep since Saturday and I'm finally starting to feel like a human again. I don't have a real explanation for the days and days of not blogging before Saturday but hopefully these next few posts make up for it.
First, let's ease back into the swing of things with some awards.
The Oh Thank God Award
And the winner is: the baby that Mariah Carey is NOT having
Accepting this award is Nick Cannon - shocking
Hey, look. My wife, Mariah... you know, Mariah Carey... yeah she's my wife. Well she's the most beautiful, the most talented and the most incredible person. Ever. On this planet. She's Mariah! It's not the right time for us to have kids. I mean my beautiful wife Mariah is only 40 and she's still making records and movies and a lot more money than I'm making right now. So who am I to stop her from making all that money so I can continue to live this awesome life. I love my wife. I'm Nick Cannon... and I'm hilaaaarious.
The Why I Really Need to Become a Pop Star Award
And the winner is: Celine Dion's backyard water park
Accepting this award is Celine Dion
Prendre ce Oprah. Je suis hors.
Translating her acceptance speech is her translator:
Take that Oprah. I'm out.
The Why Doesn't This Shit Ever Happen to Me Award
And the winner is: this random chick who is getting married and so somehow gets Oprah to have Justin Timberlake to come teach her golf
Accepting this award is me... yes me Amanda.
This is going to sound terrible but this woman is not dying, she's not terminally ill and hasn't really had any other life-altering situation hit her besides these two things: 1 - she's been in love with JT since she was 12 and 2 - she's about to get married. That is it. I don't get it. I mean have you heard me talk about Michael Owen? I've loved him since I was in the eighth grade. it's real and it's deep so listen up Oprah. I know he's a washed up EPL star but I'm sure we can still arrange something in light of my recent budding indoor soccer career. I also have some pretty mild obsessions going with a lot of other celebrities so if you need me to get you a list Oprah, that can be done too. Thanks.
The OMG! Not. Award
And the winner is: the "news" that preseason tickets for the next Twilight movie will go on sale soon
Accepting this award is Kristin Stewart who plays Bella in Twilight
Uh... yeah I guess it's cool. I mean sure. It's whatever really. I don't pay attention to it really even if it's made me a millionaire over night. I don't really get it but yeah it's cool I guess. I mean it's the physical manifestation of these tickets that is really awesome.
(Seriously, this is how she talks.)