My analysis, however, is about to have nothing to do with soccer. Get ready for some World Cup predictions hottie style. That's right. We're breaking down the best-looking footballers each team has to offer. Ladies, you're welcome.
South Africa, Mexico, Uruguay, France
Mexico wins this group behind a couple of choice hotties, namely defender Rafael "Rafa" Marquez. The 31-year-old is also a defender for Barcelona and has the skills to back up his good looks. Plus he's six-feet tall according to Wikipedia. Finding hot soccer players above 5-9 is going to be a real struggle during this exercise so that makes Rafa Marquez all the more attractive. And his name is fun to say. Taking the second spot by default has to be Uruguay, who boasts Diego Forlan. Now I've never been a fan of Forlan's who I watched play with Manchester United but I can see where he'd be a hit with the ladies, especially with his flowing golden locks. The bod's not bad either. France doesn't have a whole lot going for them, considering one of their starting forwards is Franck Ribery, who bears a pretty striking resemblance to Sloth from The Goonies. While they do offer the ladies Thierry Henry, he's not even a starter for them and is pretty much done with his pro career considering he recently announced he's coming to the New York Red Bulls to play. I don't know a single guy from South Africa, aka Bufana Bufana (which means The Boys, The Boys - not to be confused with Bufanda Bufanda which would mean The Scarves, The Scarves in Spanish), but you know what? They come in third because Ribery is just that ugly.
South Korea, Greece, Argentina, Nigeria
Two words. Lionel. Messi. If he looks like a 16-year-old, well that's because he basically is but let me tell you. When this kid gets his hands...or feet I guess in this case... on a ball, you can't take his eyes off him. He's not good looking at all as far as I'm concerned but his footwork and skills are super hot.
So I give Argentina the nod for Messi, despite the fact that they also have Carlos Tevez on their team. ::shudder:: I have zero interest in any of the remaining teams so let's move on to a true hottie-filled group.
England, United States, Algeria, Slovenia
Much like what should happen in the real life World Cup, England and the United States move on with flying colors.
First off, England. The team is somehow going to have to come together and figure out a way to cope with the devastating loss of Michael Owen after he suffered a hamstring injury that ended his World Cup hopes. Michael Owen is pretty much the reason I started watching the World Cup. I have loved him since World Cup '98. It's real and it's deep.
And who is that with Owen in the picture above? Why obviously David Beckham. He might have the voice of a 16-year-old girl, but he's David Beckham. End of story.
Oh but we're not done there. Those are guys that won't even be playing this year so who will we actually get to see on the pitch? Steven Gerrard, Joe Cole and goalkeeper David James round out my Top Five.
The United States isn't without "talent" of their own. And by talent I mean hotties. Although I'm sure a favorite with others, Landon Donovan isn't my top choice on the US squad. I prefer Oguchi Onyewu personally. Tim Howard is a fave too because, although he isn't THAT good-looking, he's also tall and built, like Onyewu. It's his intensity on the field though that elevates him to hottie status. Captain Carlos Bocanegra is definitely nice to look at. But my number one choice is Benny Feilhaber. Yum.
Germany, Australia, Serbia, Ghana
Behind 25-year-old Lucas Podolski, Germany is a sure bet into the next round. He has been named "the Prince of Cologne" after all. And even though he too was struck with a World Cup-ending injury, how can anyone forget Michael Ballack?
After Germany though, things get close. After seeing that Serbia was in the same group, I figured I'd put them through considering Dejan Stankovic' appearance in my World Cup issue of Vanity Fair. That is, until Julie and I discovered Australia's Tim Cahill. THEN after more research, the Socceroos also have the services of Harry Kewell. And that gets them my vote to advance alongside Germany.
Netherlands, Denmark, Cameroon, Japan
The Netherlands wins by virtue of Robin Van Persie. Observe:
After Van Persie, take your pick of clean cut blondes.
The other team to get my vote are the fighting Samuel Eto'os aka Cameroon. Eto'o is definitely a fox and I've read that he is super rich. Nice.
Italy, Paraguay, New Zealand, Slovakia
Italy is full of old guys, so I didn't want to give them my vote. But even though they're old, they're still hot. Plus they know how to dress. Where is this on my Southwest flights?
The list of Italian hotties is rather extensive on second glance. Fabio Cannavaro and Gianluca Zambrotta are just the start. Say hello to Marco Boriello:
Brazil, North Korea, Portugal, Ivory Coast
This may be the Group of Death when it comes to the actual soccer that will be played but here at Livin' the Dream, the choice couldn't be easier.
Shockingly enough, however, Cristiano is not the only thing Portugal has to offer. Deco is a little hottie. And I do mean little. Poor guy's only 5-8 according to Wikipedia. Bummer. But bonus points to Team Ronaldo for a bona fide Hall of Fame Hottie: Luis Figo.
After that has to be Brazil. Sorry Ivory Coast, but Drogba just doesn't do it for me even if he did end a civil war in your country. Much like his current Real Madrid teammate, Kaka is Brazil's resident hottie and he only needs one name.
Do we have a new bromance brewing?
Spain, Switzerland, Honduras, Chile
My choice for real World Cup champion is also my choice for Hottie World Cup champion. England, USA, Portugal, Italy - none of these can compete with Spain. So instead of listening to me ramble on, let's just let the pictures do the talking.