I started this about a week ago but I've had a busy couple of days...what else is new? But here it is at last. My oh-so-professional Dancing with the Stars analysis.
I think this season is one of the best casts we've had in a long time, even though I know some people out there will disagree with me. But here's why: an overwhelming majority of the new cast is very current. And that is going to make for a great show.
So first, let's go through each contestant one by one, then we'll talk about the pairings, then make some predictions.
Aiden Turner, actor
Okay well so much for my "everyone is way current" comment because I don't have one single clue who this guy is. According to abc.com, he is on "All My Children" and plays a character named Aidan. Woah that must really mess with his process to go from Aiden with an E in real life to Aidan with an A. This is pretty standard for DWTS - a random good-looking guy that nobody has ever really heard of. Last year they had that Ashley guy, Gilles was that guy two seasons ago, even Kim Kardashian was this person when she was on the show. They usually don't last long (except for Gilles) but sometimes they can surprise you (like Gilles). He's kind of a wildcard but I'm leaning towards not good.
Buzz Aldrin, um he walked on the moon. What have you done with your life lately?
DWTS is really messing with my theory right now. When's the last time you heard any news about Buzz Aldrin? When he actually walked on the moon? Probably. He's unfortunately our token old guy. Jerry Springer, Steve Wozniak, TomDeLay, now Buzz Aldrin. Not much to say except that he's not expected to do that well. Just comes with the territory Buzz. No offense.
Chad Ochocinco, Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver and master of touchdown ceremonies
Okay here we go. Now we're back on track. Let me tell you something. What Ochocinco might lack on the dance floor, he will make up in style. Have you SEEN a touchdown celebration by this guy? Fine or no fine, this guy's creativity is through the roof and I'd like to see somebody challenge me on that. Shoot with moves like this, he could end up being a front runner. I think a lot of people are going to expect a lot from him considering how he was always constantly trying to top himself. I don't think it will translate well on the dance floor though. At the end, the judges want their ballroom.
Erin Andrews, ESPN darling and vicious sex scandal survivor
Let me start off by saying I am NOT an Erin Andrews fan. Jealousy? Probably. I just honestly don't see what the big deal is with her. Yes she's pretty. And then? She knows sports. Okay so do I. I'm just saying that I don't get it. But you have to believe that my prior feelings towards her have nothing to do with my opinion that she won't do well on this show. Maybe she's a closet dancer and we just never see it when she's sideline reporting but I just don't see it. But congratulations ladies. Your boyfriends are now officially watching Dancing with the Stars with you.
Evan Lysacek, gold medal-winning figure skater
Sooooo he's the male Kristi Yamaguchi from two seasons ago? Obviously this guy will have dance experience and he's good-looking. Don't know if he likes boys or girls as I didn't watch a single second of male figure skating when the Olympics were on. Just not my style. But he'll get some votes because people will be all "Go USA" because of the Olympics. Good timing ABC. Well played.
Jake Pavelka, The Bachelor
What the hell ABC? I mean seriously? Look I get the whole Melissa thing from two seasons ago, but is this going to become a yearly thing now? We just had to watch like eight straight weeks of this guy. I can't take it. I think this backfires because people don't really like him right now since he picked the girl no one likes. Furthermore, don't these people have real jobs? I thought he was a commercial pilot, not ABC's newest promotional tool. Emphasis on tool. I hope he gets voted off in the first week so that this completely explodes in ABC's face.
Kate Gosselin, the most famous mother in the world
This is awesome. Clearly Kate Gosselin is trying to use Dancing with the Stars is a way to get back on the public's good side because I hate to break it to her but she's come off as a lot of not very nice things. But I doubt this works for her. Why? Because my mom made a great point the other night. I believe her exact words were "Who's watching her eight freakin kids while she's on this show?" Touche Digna, touche. That's why I think people won't vote for her. In the middle of what is still a fairly public divorce, you're going to go on ANOTHER reality show? I heard that she and her partner Tony will fly back and forth from LA to Pennsylvania where she lives with the kids. Also doesn't seem like a great solution. At any rate, at least Tony will be a great male role model in their lives because he is awesome. Still, just go be a mom. You don't need to be doing this show right now.
Nicole from the Pussycat Dolls, pop star and DWTS ringer
Ladies and gentlemen, the ringer. Last year was Mya, Toni Braxton, Lance Bass to some degree. The pop stars who claim there's no possible way they could ever know how to ballroom dance always sail through. I expect nothing less from Nicole. But I will say, I kind of want to be her. I love her singing voice and she's gorgeous. She could be my celeb girl crush.
Niecy Nash, comedian...or actress...or something?
Yeah I have no clue who this is. According to her bio on abc. com, she hosts a show on the Style channel called Clean House. I still don't know who she is. But good luck!
Pam Anderson, needs no explanation
Looks like Pam Anderson is still looking for a way to climb out of bankruptcy. I can't picture her doing well but you never know. She could turn out to be this year's Kelly Osbourne. Not really much to say here except that it could be really entertaining or really painful. But I'm betting on the latter. Sorry Pam.
Shannon Doherty, 90210 bad girl
I think this is another case of someone trying to shed their bad image, but people are actually intrigued by Shannon Doherty. I can picture her being pretty good at this, especially if she has a good partner. But it would have been nice for her to dress up for her headshot. At any rate, I know James will vote for her so at least she has that going for her.
We have some returning faves as well as some new faces, but most of all there will be some very familiar faces not in the cast come March 22. Derek, Mark, Louis, Tony, Edyta, Maks, Chelsie and Cheryl are back for more and they'll be fun to watch. Missing from this year will be Julianne who's still out trying to make it as a country singer but is really just making Proactiv commercials as well as Lacey and Kym who are two of my favorite female pros. You know who I'm not going to miss? Karina. Good riddance. ABC must have told her she could only come back if she agreed to not starting up rumors that she was also sleeping with her celeb partner.
Aidan and Edyta: I'm getting to a point with this show where I'm starting to like the pro dancers more than the celebs and I actually find myself rooting for the pros sometimes. Edyta is one of those pros. She's been with some terrible partners (Jeffrey Ross anyone?) so I'm a little sad that she's with another unknown guy who might not get very far. Hopefully this guy turns out to be more like Gilles and less like LT. It's time for Edyta to lift that trophy!
Buzz and Ashly: Ashly was last on the show during season three so she has her work cut out for her coming back to a partner like Buzz Aldrin. He's no Joey McIntyre (according to Wikipedia, she was Joey McIntyre's pro partner on season one. Lucky.) She's going to need a lot of patience and creativity to make Buzz look good so hopefully she's up for the challenge.
Chad and Cheryl: If Chad Ochocinco puts his ego aside and listens to Cheryl, I think they could go far. But he needs to defer to her. I don't feel like this will be difficult even for him as Cheryl is a freakin drill sergeant and puts the fear of the Lord into her celebs. The big key, as I've said before, is to be creative but to also show off actual ballroom skills. If he gets too into his touchdown antics, he won't win big points with the judges. Then again, it's a voter's show so if he plays to the crowd enough he could still bring in the votes.
Erin and Maks: You have got to be kidding. I not only have to watch terrible Erin Andrews but now I have to watch her dance with Maks? This is not fair. I am never voting for her. And neither is Julie. Maybe.
Evan and Anna: This could be the couple to beat. Anna is a really pretty dancer and Evan is going to go far because of his figure skating experience. Oh. Shoot. abc.com just told me that this is the redheaded Anna who was with Chuck Liddell, not the tall blonde Anna who was with Michael Irvin. Man I like her more! Okay well now I have no analysis because this whole time I was thinking of the wrong Anna. Evan was a figure skater though. I could be his pro partner and he'd win this competition.
Jake and Chelsie: These two will do okay. I like Chelsie a lot. In fact, forget the analysis, let's watch Chelsie's "Bleeding Love" routine from So You Think You Can Dance, shall we?
Amazing. Now where were we?
Kate and Tony: This is a great pairing believe it or not. Tony is a perfect partner for Kate because he's not going to stand for her so-called diva antics. They're similar in age (I think) so he's going to know how to speak to her and coach her and how to get her to dance like he needs her to. If she listens and doesn't whine/complain, which I think she'll do a lot, she actually has a chance to do pretty well in the competition.
Nicole and Derek: No wonder Derek keeps coming back to the show. Let's take a look at his past celeb partners shall we: Nicole from the Pussycat Dolls, Joanna Krupa, Brooke Burke, Shannon Elizabeth. Yeah he's basically hit the jackpot. He and Nicole could win it all.
Niecy and Louis: First prediction, I will misspell Neicy's name all season. Louis is a great teacher. Shoot look at what he did with Kelly Osbourne. He is also a great choreographer as seen by what he's created for So You Think You Can Dance. What's that you say? You want to see one of the dances he made for that show? Well who am I to deny my clamoring fans:
Neecy (ha now I'm just doing it on purpose) will be a challenge for Louis though. This is another case of if she listens to him, she could go decently far but I can't picture her making it past the midway point.
Pam and Damian: Well rookie, welcome to the show. Your celeb partner is Pam Anderson. Think you can handle it? I know nothing about this Damian character except that according to Wikipedia he is Australian. Nice.
Shannen and Mark: Mark is a great dancer and a great partner, however he's had some pretty cake celebs to work with. Shawn Johnson was not a challenge to teach, Kristi Yamaguchi was not a challenge to teach, Sabrina Bryan was not a challenge to teach. Shannen Doherty could be a challenge. And when Mark did have a real challenge in Kim Kardashian in season seven, they were the third couple eliminated. So unless Shannen has some hidden ballroom dancing talent, I don't think Mark is going to be able to get them past the midway point of the competition. Man that was some professional analysis.
Top three: Nicole and Derek, Evan and Anna, Chad and Cheryl
Dark Horse: Jake and Chelsie
Most Likely to be Voted Off First: Buzz and Ashly
Most Likely to be Discussed by Me and Julie Every Single Week: Why the heck isn't Dmitry on the show?
Most Likely to Win the 2010 DWTS Fantasy League: Team Rumba
Which brings me to my next point...
Julie and I co-created a Dancing with the Stars Fantasy League two season ago and it's a pretty big hit if I do say so myself. We are currently accepting entries for any newcomers and I will be sending out the league email to all returners (in case any who read the blog are wondering). We only play for pride. One disclaimer: We take only serious Dancing with the Stars fans. If you don't contribute, you will be let go from the league. I don't mess around. So if you or anyone you know might be interested, let me know.
Can't wait for March 22!