Every season The Bachelor starts and I sit down to watch it. And every season without a doubt this show infuriates me. Except for Chris Harrison the host, every single person on this show annoys me to no end. But do I stop watching it? Nope. It's like a car accident - I can't look, but I can't look away.
Confession time: For about 6 minutes at work today, I explored what it would take to become a contestant on The Bachelor. And for a few minutes I thought to myself "I would make a pretty good contestant."
Calm down everyone. I am not going to apply to be a contestant on The Bachelor. First, you have to send in a 10-15 minute video. Do you know how long it takes to put together 3 minutes of "How Well Do You Know Your UC Davis Goalkeeper?" taken on the FlipCam? Like almost an entire day. Second, you have to send a full body shot. Ew.
You know why else I wouldn't be on this show? Because these chicks are nuts. Let me break it down.
First they roll montages of most of the girls and give background on who they are, where they're from, what they do for a living, and sometimes a weird/interesting/sad thing about them. The weird things are really weird (one girl is a manscaper for a living, another one is into vampires, has actual fangs and "ran into the leader of the secret underground vampire world"), the sad stories are pretty sad, that's how it goes.
So far so good though. These girls (barring the super weird vampire wannabe one) still seem very standard, normal girls. Granted they are all completely beautiful and dress perfectly, but they appear normal.
Then they meet the bachelor.
This season the bachelor is this guy Brad who was on the show three years ago and ditched both of the final two girls and ended up picking nobody. Now he's back for his second chance at love.
So I don't know if this is standard for The Bachelor or not, but the women don't know that this guy Brad is who they're meeting. So it makes them act extra annoying when they meet him.
Here is an in-depth look at what went down during each of the 30 introductions:
- 11 girls knew exactly who he was and had seen him on the show. I wouldn't be able to pick this guy out of a lineup.
- First girl out of the limo slaps him because apparently what he did three years ago was THAT much of a personal blow to her and "all of the women of America."
- 4 girls tell him they have a lot of questions/doubts/uncertainties about him
- One girl straight pinches his ass
- One girl is a "sports publicist" and drops the line that her entire life revolves around sports. WHAT. THE. HELL. THIS WAS MY ONLY IN.
- One girl tells him "You happen to be the perfect guy for me." This is creepy.
- The vampire. Need I say more. She tells him he looks delicious. He tells her she has a nice fang- I mean name.
- One girl straight sprints out of the limo, yells Catch me! and luckily he does because she just jumps in his arms
- She also mentions that she knows nothing about him because she never watched his season. This is a good strategy. 4 other girls do this.
- Another girl makes him pinky swear that he won't break her heart
- Next girl makes him get down on one knee and repeat the words "Will you marry me?", says yes and then says "See that wasn't so bad."
- One girl lowers the window down, sticks her hand out and beckons him over. He opens the door of the limo and she tells him I like a chivalrous man. He apparently takes this to mean she is high-maintenance and votes her off on the first night. Bahahaha.
- One girl straight up says "I'm ready to get married, so we'll have to talk inside."
- One girl is wearing ruby slippers. She is from Kansas, she says it's because there's no place like home and she can't wait to take him home to her family.
- One girl tells him "My grandma always says you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your Prince Charming." Then she straight plants on one him. She got voted off too.
- The girl after her is named J. That is it. Just the letter J. Not one word. One letter bitches. Take that Madonna. Also, it is her birthday.
- Next girl is a Radio City Rockette. No that is not a typo. She is an honest to God Rockette. Then she asks him if he knows what that is. Can you call yourself an American if you don't know what the Radio City Rockettes are?
- Next girl gets all super serious and says "I have to get something off my chest. I have to tell you something about me. I can't snap my fingers." Woah girl.
- Two girls say something along the lines of "I'm so glad it's you standing there as the Bachelor." One even goes so far as to say he was her first pick. What? There is no way you ever in a million years thought that the dbag from three seasons ago would be back. No way.
- The next-to-last girl is a chef and food writer and brings him a brownie. Guess who ends up getting a rose at the end of the night? This is a GREAT strategy and I will keep that in my back pocket so thanks for the idea girl.
So now that we've met all of the ladies, then they get into the house and this is when the fun really starts. Because now all 30 all want to talk to him - all at the same time. And as the night winds down, they will literally do anything to get to talk to him. Including the "steal". This is where girls straight walk up to him while he's talking to another girl and literally ask if they can steal him away. Obnoxious. Also desperate.
As we observe them vying for the fair Brad's attention, one girl tells him a guy broke up with her because he wanted someone with a smaller butt so she straight sticks her ass in his face and asks if he can handle all of this. Weird. Another girl sings to him. Let me repeat that. Sings to him. Then there is the vampire girl.
Then they pass out the roses and the five girls that don't get one literally start crying. You have spent one evening with this guy and you didn't even know it was him when you started the night.
That's the thing with this show. These girls come in with a mission: to get a husband. And the husband will be this guy. Somehow, through watching him on a TV show a season before, they've deemed him to be perfect husband material - THEIR perfect husband material - and that is that.
Oh and the final note for the evening. The Bachelor is 38 years old. One of the girls is 32, three are 30 and the rest - the remaining 26 ladies - are 29 and under. Three girls are 24. Let's hope the whole "Age ain't nothin' but a number thing" is true.
The thing is though, I'm sucked in. I can't stand these girls, I can't stand this Brad guy, but I still have to see what is going to happen to all of them.
But most importantly, why does that girl have fangs?