Alternate Endings to The Bachelorette

So Monday night was the season finale of The Bachelorette which seems to last like six months or something. Seriously it's the longest show ever. But Ali made her choice and ended up telling Roberto she picked him out on some island in the middle of the ocean in Tahiti. Roberto proposed (shocking) with a giant diamond ring that I'm sure he didn't pay for and Ali said yes (shocking).

I have tuned in to a couple seasons of The Bachelor, then got sucked in to The Bachelorette because they use a contestant from The Bachelor as the new bachelorette. But I do have to say that I'm starting to not be a fan of the franchise. Here's why:

1. Watching 25 guys get wasted and look like dbags as they try to woo the girl is awful TV. However, watching 25 girls throw themselves at a guy is way more entertaining. With The Bachelor, it's so much fun to watch the psycho girls come out of the woodwork. Like the one who knew every detail of Jake's life before even getting selected for the show.

2. The girl that is picked as The Bachelorette is way too pretty, nice, successful, etc. all the time and it pisses me off that they whine about not being able to find love.

3. The show is becoming more and more unrealistic. I read an article that said that the bachelorette will give the producers an idea for a date, like baseball... which sounds like fun. Go to a Dodger game, have a Dodger dog and then watch them get swept by the stupid Giants. Nope not on The Bachelorette. Instead they are flown to Yankee Stadium and have A Rod or someone give them private batting lessons. Then they make out on the pitchers mound. Which leads me to my next point...

4. Way too much making out. Literally it takes up a good 75-80 percent of the show. Making out is fun to do, not fun to watch.

So now that we got that out of the way, Ali picked Roberto which I guess nobody wanted her to do. Personally, I thought the other guy was way better looking and apparently he was "such a nice guy". So I present to you my alternate endings for how the show should have ended on Monday.

First of all, it was very anticlimactic because I had to read for a week straight all about the "shocking" decision Ali was going to make and the "unforgettable" season finale that was coming up. What went down was neither shocking nor unforgettable.

You know what would be? If she didn't pick either one. I so thought this was going to happen. She kept saying she felt so much pressure to pick someone. Well first, that should be a given because the purpose of you being on the show is to pick a guy at the end of it. But I just got a vibe that she was going to reject them both. She did not. So that's alternate ending number one.

Alternate ending number two: she picks one of the guys, but the guy doesn't propose. Instead he tells her he just wants to go have a normal relationship and just date her for a little bit. Let's look at the facts here. You've just spent two months sequestered away from reality flying all over the world, literally, competing with 24 other dudes to win this girl. You've told her everything under the sun, you've pulled out your best moves and you're in the most romantic settings in the world.

It's incredibly easy to get swept away by all of that. So at the end, I think it would say a lot about the guy if he said "I do really love you, and now I just want us to try and live our life together before we then jump into the world of wedding planning and marriage." Watch Glee together. Get in arguments about whether your coworker is or is not actually annoying. Go see a damn movie. Do something normal. Just be a couple. Because how much do you really know about this person you've just picked to spend the rest of your life with? Yes you know that Roberto will "guard and protect your heart" but do you know what his favorite cereal is or that he likes smooth peanut butter and not chunky? Then it also won't be as shocking when things go wrong and you're not only breaking up but you're also calling off an engagement. Maybe this is why the track record is so bad with this show. The couple gets back to real life and they can't function. I just think it's the little things that really go into making a couple mesh together and all of the grandeur of the trips and the challenges and all that gets in the way.

Now I can't take full credit for this but it is an awesome idea created by Joe and me. (No James and Phil not that Joe... trust me)

So I guess the shocking part of this finale was that she voted the other guy off before he even came to meet her on the secret island. She went to his hut in Tahiti and broke up with him there. I will say this is way classier than what they've done before which is literally that she lets the guy she doesn't want tell her how amazing she is and how much he loves her and, if I remember correctly, he even gets down on one knee and proposes. Then she goes "Oh you should stand up now" and destroys him.

Here's what would have been awesome. The guy she didn't pick leaves. He grabs his suitcase and goes and gets in the car and does his testimonial or whatever.

Meanwhile, she gets dressed in her fabulous beautiful dress and goes out to her island and waits for Roberto. Roberto shows up in his suit, she tells him how he's the one she picks and isn't he so excited?!

And then Roberto says: Bros before hoes though baby. I'm out.

Can you imagine what "After the Rose" would look like then?

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