Oh hey look I'm actually going to write something! Time for some awards!
The Get a Life Award
And the award goes to: Demi Moore
Accepting this award is Demi Moore
"Above everyone else I want to thank Twitter for giving me this new forum to speak out against the cruel injustices of this world. Kim Kardashian is a celebrity and she needs to realize the kind of influence she has when she uses words like 'pimpin'. I mean I know Jay-Z titled a song "Big Pimpin' and about 95% of all rap songs use this word, and they are just as much in the wrong as Kim Kardashian is. Because I'm not making movies and nobody cares anymore that I'm married to Ashton Kutcher yet still keep a weird super friendly relationship with my ex-husband, I've turned my attentions towards much bigger issues, like this one and firing back at reporters who call my teenage daughter out for wearing tiny skirts. Seriously. Thank you Twitter for allowing me to continue to stay relevant."
The Don't You Have a Real Job? Award
And the winner is: Chad Ochocinco
Accepting this award is Chad's agent
"If TO can do it, so can we. Get YOUR popcorn ready Terrell. Peace."
The Never Let a Man Be In Charge Award
And the winner is: this guy
Accepting this award is that guy's wife
"I guess it could have been worse. I mean he could have a name like Nick Saban Redd. Oh wait. Someone already did that? Oh see now THAT could have been really embarassing."
The Good Luck with That Award
And the winner is: Jon Gosselin
Accepting this award is Jon Gosselin's lawyer
"Kate Gosselin's complete abandonment of her children to go perform on some reality show is just an atrocity. My client would never do that to his children and for that reason we are fighting for him to get custody. His jetting off to Paris with a 25-year-old a week after the divorce is announced was just an opportunity for him to expand his network for what is sure to be an extremely lucrative clothing line or TV show or something. His "bachelor pad" in New York as some have called it will be a great home for all eight of his children. I mean have you ever heard of a Murphy bed? He was forced to countersue TLC to protect his children. Sure he lost his gig on the show and thus has no paycheck right now, but clearly he was doing it out of concern and love for his kids. Any other parent would do the same I'm sure. And I promise you. This has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that his most recent 25-year-old girlfriend dumped him and kicked him out of her parents' house in Utah. He has come to realize just how important his children are to him and we will fight until we get them back."
The Thanks for That Award
And the winner is: Donald Trump
Accepting this award is Donald Trump
"Yeah I've only briefly met Jesse James and no I've never actually met Sandra Bullock, but who cares? I'm Donald Trump. Have you seen my hair? Doesn't everyone want to know what I think all the time? Watch out Jon Gosselin's custody battle... you're next."