Tonight, Dancing with the Stars will air its 200th episode. As the opening number and credits rolled, I said to Chloe "Man lovebug, I should be live blogging this." So I am.
As always with a LTD live blog, the time stamp is not accurate because I DVR like crazy.
9:00 - The opening number with all of the pros from the past 11 season was SICK. Man those dancers can move. Then they go through each season and show the celebrities from that season who are in the audience tonight. This is not sick. Not very well rehearsed, I couldn't tell who half the people were, and nobody was there from season 6. Oops. Of course when they show season 10's contestants, it's Erin Andrews, Jake the Bachelor and Evan Lysacek the figure skater. Shocking. Erin Andrews is owned by ABC, Jake technically is too, and I heard a rumor that tonight they will be previewing "Skating with the Stars" which sounds absolutely terrible but I guess that's why Evan is here.
9:03 - Tonight they are going to do team dances BUT, says Brooke Burke, there's a twist. Each team will have a former champ as their captain. I guess they're more legit, but a pro can teach me a dance any day over the so-called captains.
9:04 - The captains are Kristi Yamaguchi and Apolo Anton Ohno. Um Team Apolo all the way thanks. Apolo, Derek Hough AND Maks on the same team? Yes please.
9:07 - So I guess Team Kristi is first because they are showing their practice. At first I thought they were just recreating the freestyle dance that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark did, but now apparently they are cha-cha-ing. I am so confused.
9:10 - Ok so yes here goes Team Kristi. Rick Fox is a giant but he moves really well. Bristol Palin wasn't so bad and Kyle and Lacey are really fun to watch. This isn't bad at all.
9:14 - Wow Brooke Burke. Please let them finish speaking before you cut them off. Ugh she is terrible. How do I audition for this job? Team Kristi gets a 24 out of 30.
9:18 - Back from commercial and I'm pretty sure Derek currently has on a fake soul patch like Apolo has. This could be epic.
9:20 - So let me get this straight. Apolo and Kristi are captains, but they don't do the choreography, they don't watch practices and they don't offer any kind of criticism. So what would you say you do?
9:24 - Loved it. Plus all three guys all had fake soul patches on. Chloe gives it 4 paws. Bruno can't stand it. He has to stand up and do the cabbage patch or the butterfly or something.
9:26 - 27 points for Team Apolo. Their captain has just said unbelievable 7 times in 30 seconds. Team high fives! Cuuuuute.
9:28 - So now it's time for round two. And apparently each couple is going to recreate an iconic dance from someone from a past season. AND that person is going to be... wait for it... a guest judge for that dance. It is getting CRAZY around here.
9:29 - First up is Mel B aka Scary Spice. Fun fact: Maks spends Thanksgiving with Mel B and her family sometimes. Buuuuut neither of them were born in America...
9:31 - Kyle and Lacey will be dancing the Maks and Mel B paso. Which means Kyle is playing the part of Maks. This is Kyle. This is Maks. K good luck Kyle.
9:34 - Len says it was his best dance. Mel B was blown away. Bruno calls him an untamed young bull and says "testosterone" (awkward) but then critiques his shoulders. Carrie Ann liked it. Chloe can hardly contain her excitement:
9:37 - 35 out of 40 for Kyle and Lacey for 59 on the night. Mel B gave him a 10. I'm not a psychic or anything but I feel like that could be a trend tonight...
9:38 - Our next guest judge is season 3 champ Emmitt Smith.
9:38 - Okay I have to just say that this season of Dancing with the Stars has more light effects, more smoke, more lasers and explosions and set changes and props than ever before. Every single time someone comes out I feel like I'm watching the ESPYs or the VMAs or some other low budget awards show.
9:40 - So of all the couples to dance Emmitt's tango, it's Kurt Warner and his partner. This strikes me as hilarious. A Super Bowl MVP QB vs. a Super Bowl MVP RB? I can't back up that Emmitt Smith was in the Super Bowl, an MVP of the Super Bowl, or even a running back.
9:44 - The judges critique such weird things. Kurt sticks his next out too much according to Bruno. Carrie Ann just criticized the tango Emmitt did EIGHT seasons ago. Awesome.
9:45 - Oh there is so a vibe between Kurt and Emmitt and it's not a good one.
9:46 - Rick Fox is in a completely green suit. Like completely green. With green shoes and a green fedora with a green feather in it. He looks like the Jolly Green Giant.
9:47 - Ooooh so weird. Emmitt gave Kurt a 10. Everyone else gave him 8s. They get 34 out of 40 for 61 on the night.
9:49 - Kelly Osbourne is next. She's lost like 100 pounds or something. Seriously her body is insane now. Bristol and Mark are reinterpreting Kelly's Viennese Waltz from season 9.
9:52 - Bristol lets us know that her family and Kelly Osbourne's family are very different. Insert your own jokes here...
9:55 - Kelly Osbourne just told Bristol she had some big shoes to fill. Wow. Listen Kelly, I know you're looking all fabulous these days but let's tone down the arrogance a bit shall we?
9:56 - They just showed Kristi Yamaguchi and Apolo Anton Ohno sitting next to each other in the audience. Do you think that secretly they can't stand each other because Apolo is the new Winter Olympics darling? These are the things I think about.
9:59 - OMG Kelly didn't give them a 10! How PISSED are you if you're Bristol and Mark. That celeb paddle is like a free 10! They get 33 out of 40 and 57 on the night. Brooke asks how that feels and Mark goes "That feels great!" and Bristol goes "Oooh yeah."
10:01 - My lover and favorite tax evader Helio Castroneves is up next. Rick and Cheryl will dance his quickstep where he wore the bright yellow suit. This is probably why Rick is dressed in a giant green suit.
10:04 - Eliza Dushku with a special guest appearance. The only thing I've ever seen her in is Bring It On. Apparently she is dating Rick Fox. With a partner like Cheryl, I'm sure this is not the first time she's just popped up at the studio.
10:06 - He seriously looks like a giant piece of broccoli. Plus he has a zebra print tie on. This is the worst costume ever.
10:07 - Oh no you did not Tom Bergeron. How are you going to make a joke about him looking like the Boston Celtics when he is a Laker? Not cool.
10:08 - They all decide his nickname is the Jolly Green Giant. Um I made that joke 20 minutes ago. Carrie Ann then yells, yes literally yells, the word giant 3 times. Then they show Rick and he is totally courtesy laughing.
10:09 - Helio gets us back on the homer train with a 10 for Cheryl and Rick. They get 9s from everyone else for 37 out of 40 and a total of 61 on the night. The judges all thought that was their best dance to date and I thought it was awful. Goes to show what I know.
10:13 - Yeah I want to be Carrie Ann now. First she gets to sit next to Helio and now Gilles? Not fair. Brandy and Maks are dancing Gilles' foxtrot.
10:14 - Brandy talks about how she's faced a lot of adversity throughout her career. I can't even make a joke here...
10:15 - HOW are you uncomfortable with getting rub up on Maks? Move over and allow me to show you how it's done.
10:18 - That was a good one. Chloe loved it too.
10:21 - Woah LEN gave out a 10 but Gilles with the 9? That's quite the twist. They get a 37 out of 40 for a total of 64 on the night.
10:23 - This is the longest show ever. Here's the gist of what I'm fast forwarding through. Jennifer and Derek are dancing something Drew Lachey danced. Jennifer Grey is 50 and cries a lot. That just took up 2 minutes on my DVR.
10:27 - Yep, she's back. Carrie Ann is crying. And I don't know what any of the other judges said because I was looking up my polling place. I think my apartment complex is a polling place...
10:29 - It's a 10 from Drew and 9s from everyone else. 64 out of 70 total. Ugh Brooke Burke. Blah blah blah.
10:31 - That's all folks! Tomorrow is the 200th results show with Taylor Swift, Rod Stewart and the cast of Mary Poppins which is actually playing up here in Sacramento and I'm thinking about going to check it out. Thanks for tuning in. My foot and my cat are asleep. Livin' the Dream. Out.